Realizations....and stuff...

I've come to the conclusion that once you reach a certain point, life gets chaotic. The chaos is....well, chaotic. Everything is crazy and you have so much to do, so much to think about, so much to wonder, so much to dream, so much deal with. And I've realized, that once this period of chaos begins, there's no turning back. You can't escape it. And, if you're not ahead of it, you're drowned in it, it swallows you whole without a second thought.

And then, you finally get everything worked out. You get a moment's rest, but just a moment. And suddenly it's in hyper-speed again. You think every thing is finally finished and you can relax for just a while and then you realize there's more. There's new things, new people, new unknowns.

That's where I am right now. I'm juggling three major projects right now. Two of them I finished tonight, but the third (the one I really need to work on) is not even halfway done. I'm trying to keep my stupid maths grade up and get my English grade up. I'm trying to teach myself our freshman spring show dance. We start practicing on stage next week. Our dance isn't done. None of us really remember it. We fight and I get ignored too much. And, I just realized, I haven't done any work on my social officer stuff in a week.

So, there you have it. I thought okay, I just have to do the speech. And the I realized 'Oh, there's Spring Show and Social Officer Tryouts'

Also, there's this thing, informational meeting, I should say, about Military scholarships. I want to go. And I think I've almost convinced my mum, not really, but sort of. I'm limited though, in what I could do. Coast guard it out. I can't dive with my ear problems. Air force? Out. You need balance and hearing and good eye sight. Also, I'm clearly not a guy, so I'm limited because they won't let women in certain fields. And then there's that constant "Am I tough enough? Am I good enough? Would I be making a mistake? Will I regret it if I don't do it?" And of course "How am I going to serve after college if I'm so limited in what I can do?"

I'm really indecisive about it right now. I suppose I have a while to figure it out. One minute I'm in and then next I'm questioning. Which isn't good. Because I must be positive, one way or another, I must be absolutely-not-turning-back positive.

And then I think about my family and friends. How will it effect them?

So, at the moment, I'm not sure. All I know is I don't feel like writing a speech, so I'll just go read.

--Allison